In Retrospect
by aki.ari
Summary: AU - Allen reflects on Kanda's passing. A Sequel of sorts to Cacophonous Solitude. Yullen


**In Retrospect **

It's been almost a century since he passed away. Every day I miss him. He hadn't grown old; he'd died from a problem with his heart – a curse of his own if you will. Even though the time we spent together had been only a few years, they were the best I'd ever seen. I can remember everything vividly, the touches, the kisses, those smirks and the gentle look in his cobalt eyes that was reserved only for me.

Many times I'd found myself feeling pangs of burning remorse for abandoning God – the God that Kanda assured me didn't give a fuck about whether I was in the town or not. He never did believe my story, no matter how many times I tried to explain or the fact that I just didn't seem to age at all over the years we spent together. Or maybe he did but he was just playing me – he liked to tease me, a day wouldn't go by without some light banter between the two of us.

Sometimes it would get rough and we'd tousle for awhile, but I always found myself submitting when I looked into his cobalt eyes. I wanted nothing more that to spend eternity with him – but such a wish is selfish and impossible and in an instant his life was snuffed out. At first I had blamed myself and to some degree I still do. I was convinced that it was punishment for my treachery. God had taken him from me because I had defied his wishes. But Kanda would call me an idiot if he ever heard that kind of shit.

Kanda was strong and he still is, his spirit wherever it is, burns with the fire and passion for life that I could never touch. Though close we were far apart in many respects. We hardly ever saw eye to eye and when we did it was a short lived experience that ended in another disagreement. Even so, during those times when I had probably driven him to the length of his tolerance he never left me. He'd threatened to once, I remember it clearly.

"_Oi Moyashi don't fucking play me like this, I brought you along so behave_ _or I'll ditch your sorry ass right now" Kanda snapped. Silver eyes widened a fraction, heart skipping a beat in apprehension._

I had believed that he would at that time too. Even though he'd come back for me in the town and had promised not to leave me alone, I just couldn't get around my uncertainty. I'd seen people abandoned countless times, especially during the fire when tension was high and desperation rolled off the people like water in a storm drain. Children and lovers were lost to the flames but they had been lost long before that when they had been given up on and left to their own devices by those who claimed to love them.

"_I'm sorry" Kanda said, having apparently taken notice of the immediate silence and the underlying panic. "I won't leave you alone, ever. So don't give me that pathetic, kicked-puppy look anymore." _

He'd hugged me and held me for hours as if trying to prove that he wasn't screwing with me. I knew he wasn't lying, as far as he was concerned I was normal and he was strong enough to fight his curse and that we'd live and probably die together – humans always think they have forever 'till that forever is taken from them. I knew that even as I had asked him not to leave me alone. It was inevitable that he would. When he died I'd be left alone to mourn him for my damned eternity. Still, I had been so happy he promised me forever that I had deluded myself into believing he could do anything. Maybe he really could defy all logic, the natural laws of existence and God. Maybe he could give me that forever I longed for. How foolish I had been, believing in the impossible, setting myself up for the biggest disappointment of my existence.

And it was, I don't even know how much I cried over him as he lay on his death bed and then the many days and weeks that followed.

Even with my quirks and all my flaws he'd been kind in his own unique way and during those few years I couldn't have imagined what it would have been like if he'd never come back for me at the bell tower. Being with him was so messed up yet it couldn't have felt more right. I didn't have much to give him but what I did I gave wholeheartedly, my body, my soul – if I even had a soul of my own – I had given it all to him. It was a frightening feeling being so dependant on someone and having them depend on me.

But that had made it all the more difficult, because he took everything I made myself to be with him, and I'll never get that back – not that it mattered, I had no use for anything if he was gone. One didn't need a heart when he lived in isolation.

Living alone had left me seriously lacking in the knowledge of social conduct, all I knew had been from the memories of the town's folk and not only had those memories been sad and regretful but they had been old – ancient in comparison to the current era and Kanda had wondered about my backwards ways – not that courteousness and chivalry were backwards but in this time they were unusual, most people tended to fend for themselves and damn everyone else to hell.

I don't like the world; it is a cold and scary place. I had not wanted to spend my life in it without Kanda. So when he died I'd gone back to that little lost town. It took me a couple of years to find my way back – as it turns out I have the worst sense of direction this side of the equator. When I'd returned everything was as I'd left it, save for being a bit more worn down.

I'd stayed there in the town for a decade, pondering over my existence and reminiscing about Kanda. His beautiful face was forever seared into my memory. I treasured every thought I had of him and would look back fondly, often loosing myself to days living in my dream world, where nothing existed but him.

Then the emotions would flood me, a tidal wave of unbidden anguish and I would be pitched into reality again and again; a reality where Kanda had long since been extracted from.

I resolved that I'd go out into the world and try to live in Kanda's stead, uphold as many of his ideals as I could in these rapidly changing times. He'd not been only a brash young male with a temper problem, but he'd occasionally share his thoughts with me. He was as much of a dreamer as I am, living in the past while fighting for a future that he knew he would never see.

"_This world is constantly changing" Kanda said cobalt eyes staring up at the sky "and not for the better either. There's not much that a single person can do but if no one fights then we're all just going to hell in a hand basket."_

How strange it was having him think out loud, I felt as though I was getting a glimpse of who he really was underneath all the anger and insults. It was a special privilege that made me love him all the more.

"_Sorry" Kanda murmured as he lay on a hospital bed with many instruments monitoring various bodily functions. Teary silver eyes and grief stricken face lifted from being buried in trembling hands. "I'm sorry that I couldn't keep my promise."_

I would have died with him, had I been able to. That regretful look in those stormy cobalt eyes was enough to rupture my already bleeding heart. I'll never know the extent or the stipulations pertaining to his curse and I never will. I'd often speculated about it, wondering how such a thing had come upon him, how someone so strong and proud could fall to something like a curse. Even if he'd still been alive I doubt he'd have ever brought it up – weakness wasn't something he showed frequently.

"_I love you Allen" Kanda said smirking as his hand brushed away the white locks of hair that were shading the distressed expression on pale features._

I'll forever love him, for he gave me a reason to live, if only for those few short years. And as long as I exist, his memory will continue to live in me.

_If man was meant to fly he'd have wings to make it so. If man was meant to live forever then he simply would. If man was so fleeting he'd not have memories. _

_End_

* * *

A/N: A friend of mine had read Cacophonous Solitude and she said she wanted closure. So this was my response to her need for closure – I know I'm evil killing Kanda off and all but you all knew it was going to happen eventually.

I couldn't find a quotation I liked that would encompass the idea of mortality that I was trying to get at so I made my own – yeah I'm crazy that way. So the last portion of italics was my own creation, somewhat influenced by my TOK class last year. I hope it gets the message across, and if someone says "well man _can_ fly" because of airplanes I'd smile and say something along the lines of "manmade creations are temporary and flawed. Anything that goes against what nature intended will forever be challenged."

But anyway – ignoring my blithering insanity – thanks to everyone who's read and reviewed my works.

Comments are welcomed – they make me happy :)


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